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HOW TO MAKE A BETER FIRST IMPRESSION
In Anatomy of Love, Helen Fisher observed that people who meet and are attracted toward each other tend to mirror each other. She said that researchers in societies all over the world observed the same thing. When one would lean forward to sip a drink, the other would lean forward to sip a drink. When one sat back, the other sat back. Fisher said it was like a dance, and when she saw two singles mirroring each others’ moves, chances are they would be leaving together.
It works the other way as well.
If you mirror and match your dates, they will come to feel more attracted to you. The more they perceive that you are like them, unconsciously, the more they will like you.
It has to be subtle, though. You can’t be obviously about it. Fisher said she used mirroring and matching in a meeting with her publisher. The relationship was strained, and the meeting could make or break her book deal. She ordered the same thing he ordered. When he sipped his wine, she sipped her wine. When he salted his food, she salted her food, and so on and so forth. She said it turned the relationship around and led to a publishing deal.
I’ve used the techniques successfully in business meetings, too. I’ve used it in counseling, and in dating situations. Here’s what I do.
- I slow or speed up my speech to match the other’s rhythm.
- I take the same kind of posture, but not necessarily exactly the same. For example, if she crossed her arms, I may cross my legs. That’s close enough.
- I also try to use the same kinds of words and phrases. If she says, “y’all” I’m going to refrain from using, “youse guys.”
- What’s more, when I’m using the mirroring and matching techniques, I’m especially cautious about expressing differences. If she’s a vegetarian, I don’t go on and on about my smoked brisket recipe. I find ways to agree with her. One study found that if you express three differences on a first date, a second date is unlikely.
The neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) folks have made mirroring and matching into a science. Instant Rapport by Michael Brooks is a good first book for anyone interested in learning more.
Jerome M. Spector is a writer and licensed professional counselor. Jerry’s background includes more than two decades enhancing relationships: business relationships (JMSDM Direct Marketing), therapeutic relationships (Relationship Counseling Associates, Children’s Center for Behavioral Development), and intimate relationships (The Relationship Centers). For a wealth of practical information on match-dating, dating and relationship skills, visit http://www.datenearyou.com.
